假象・蛻變・翻轉
假象
1986年信主，晃眼近40年, 說來慚愧,，當初還真是信的不知所以然，只為了每個星期日可以打扮得漂漂亮亮，手中拿著一本燙金的聖經，跩個二五八萬人模人樣的走進號稱洛杉磯最大的華人教會，坐在會堂中傻傻的認為耶穌和保羅是同一個人…！
相信在教會裡你一定看到遇過這種基督徒！
對！我就是這種莫名其妙驕傲又戴著假象面具的基督徒！
人的盡頭是神的開始
前20年，我在這個世界中完全迷失，我開始尋求 “人” 的愛和肯定，追逐一切虛幻的享樂，用光鮮亮麗包裝自己，取得人的注意和焦點，快樂過、傷心過、擁有過、失去過， 我一直催眠自己 “只要我喜歡有什麼不可以”？只要不殺人放火我就是個可以上天堂的 “好人”…直到千金㪚盡一無所有，直到無心無力… 我的心好累！累到想死！
一天，我走上八樓的天台心想…跳下去吧！跳下去就沒事了！
我用我全身最後的力氣，抬頭望著天大聲喊：神啊！我是么么，祢還記得我嗎？
一個溫柔的聲音在耳邊說… “回家”！
蛻變
我重新回到神的家，開始認真的去認識這位沒有忘記我的神 - 耶穌!
研讀聖經，參加裝備課程，參與教會服事…很快的我擔任教會重要核心同工，紅紅火火得讓我沉浸在掌聲和成就感之中不可自拔！說真的我超愛這種 “我好棒” 的感覺，殊不知這讓我陷入試探深淵網羅之中卻毫無招架的能力…
想當然耳，隨之而來的就是忌妒和擠兌，
想當然耳，我受傷了而且傷得體無完膚…！
神在一夕之間把我的服事全部拿走，瞬間我整個人空掉了，整個心也空掉了！
不服氣!
我問神：“我明明有恩賜會做很多事，也可以把事情做得很好，頭腦夠清楚，是非夠分明，手腳夠俐落。but why…? and then…? 祢還要我怎麽樣？”
這次神沒有理我，因為我有太多自己的聲音完全蓋過了祂的聲音，但是神還是藉由經文，藉由人的嘴，明示加暗示，慢慢的讓我明白…祂不要我單單只做事！祂要的是我一顆 “願意” 的心！
蛤? 願意? 我有願意啊~ ~ 願意不就是甘心樂意，不求回報嗎? No No No…錯了！錯了！
神要我“願意”拔掉身上傷人的刺，“願意” 收起口中的毒鏢，“願意” 退三步退十步去看人看事，“願意” 蹲低隱藏自己，“願意”傾聽與同理…哇~這很難诶！這和我認知的完全不一樣啊!
我回應神說：我不敢說我一定百分之百做到，但是给我時間，给我機會，“我盡量” 做到祢要的 “願意”。
不單單是做事, 而是真正的服事 !
也因為我承諾了神的一句 “我盡量” … 把原本有稜有角的個性，現在也磨得圓圓滾滾了！
翻轉
聖樂團是我這麽多年唯一沒有斷過的服事，2019之前我就只是個來唱歌的團員，所有的服事都與我無關，看過聖樂團經歷的興盛衰敗，看過權利爭奪，看過人性醜陋，這些對我來說都是必經的過程，太正常了！但是我必需說，留下來的傷痕，仍然需要神的愛來醫治撫平！
2019聖樂團新團重組，我跟著林老師一步一腳印走到現在，每一場獻詩服事都是戰戰兢兢，絲毫不敢馬虎，我就像個好學生按時交作業一樣，不唱錯不出糗，乖乖的上下台，唱完就結束了！是的，就結束了！
漸漸地我對這樣的服事越來越 “無感” -- 沒有感動、心動和激動！甚至到最後，就只能糾結在 “參加人數夠不夠” 或 “唱得好不好” ，被這樣擔心的情緒捆綁著…我心裡強烈的知道，這是不對的，但是我又說不出來哪裡不對… 心裡就是不踏實，就是無感！
今年三月隨著聖樂團回台灣，參加為期十天的音樂見證和佈道會，台中模範村教會主日是第一場，上台前對於充滿不確定性的狀況，心裡焦慮緊張到冒冷汗，頻頻默問：神啊！怎麽辦啊？
直至所有人上台站定位置後，我卻出乎意外的輕鬆到像要飛起來似的…突然懂了！
神啊! 我知道了!
我今天是為誰唱, 心裡就想著誰! 要唱给誰聽, 眼睛就看著誰!
於是我口中唱著詩歌, 心裡想著耶穌, 眼睛大膽的掃向會眾的每一雙眼睛, 當下的震撼是我這輩子從來沒有經歷過的，台下的每一雙眼睛都是發亮的，都在告訴我…我們唱的每一字每一句，他都聽見了！
那種回應是熱切的，是有溫度的！
唱完最後一首詩歌下台回到坐位上, 眼淚止不住的流, 我也不想刻意的克制自己, 就讓淚水帶走這多年來服事的缺失遺憾, 以感動, 心動和激動來填補吧!神讓我重新思考並翻轉了我對服事的意義和方向服事不僅單單是做事, 更是聚焦在耶穌身上, 眼睛看在人的需要上, 並且 “願意” 去做的事!
聖樂團人數夠不夠, 重要嗎?
聖樂團唱得好不好, 重要嗎?
我的答案是…只要我們的心與神對齊了，聖靈會在我們每一項服事中成就美好的工！
感謝神在我人生的道路上，服事的過程中陪著我走過死蔭幽谷！
我深深相信，只要我願意向祂呼求，祂必不撇下我，只要我獻上我的 “願意”，祂必與我同在！
主內姐妹 么么
2025年5月15日
*本文由「洛杉磯聖樂團」原創發布，欢迎转载本文以荣耀主名。转载时请注明作者与出处，并请勿擅自修改或用于商业用途。愿这段见证能成为他人的祝福。
Illusions ・ Renewal ・ Reversal
Illusions
I came to believe in Christ in 1986. In the blink of an eye, nearly 40 years have passed. To be honest, I’m ashamed to admit that in the beginning, I didn’t truly understand what I believed in. Back then, I simply enjoyed dressing up on Sundays, holding a gold-embossed Bible, and proudly walking into what was known as the largest Chinese church in Los Angeles—looking the part. I even thought Jesus and Paul were the same person…!
I’m sure you’ve seen Christians like that in church before.
Yes—that was me. A Christian full of pride, wearing a mask of illusion without even realizing it.
Man’s End Is God’s Beginning
For the first 20 years, I was completely lost in the world. I sought love and affirmation from people, chasing after fleeting pleasures, wrapping myself in a glamorous facade to draw attention. I experienced joy, sorrow, gain, and loss, all while convincing myself: “As long as I like it, what’s wrong with it?” “As long as I don’t kill or steal, I’m a ‘good person’ who deserves heaven.” But eventually, I hit rock bottom. I had spent every penny. I had nothing left. My heart was exhausted—so tired, I wanted to die.
One day, I walked up to the rooftop of an eight-story building and thought, “Just jump. Everything will be over.”With the last ounce of strength in me, I looked up to the sky and cried out, “God! It’s me, Yaoyao. Do You still remember me?”
Then, a gentle voice whispered in my ear: “Come home.”
Renewal
I returned to God’s house and began to earnestly seek the One who had never forgotten me—Jesus.
I studied the Bible, took discipleship courses, and got involved in ministry. Soon, I became a core leader in the church. I was thriving, soaking in applause and achievement, completely intoxicated by that feeling of “I’m amazing!” But I didn’t realize—I had unknowingly walked straight into the snare of temptation, utterly unprepared to resist it.
Of course, what followed was jealousy, gossip, and rejection. I was deeply wounded—broken in every way.
Then, in a single moment, God took away all of my ministry roles. I was left empty. My hands were empty. My heart was empty.
I was frustrated and asked God:“I have gifts! I can do so much and do it well. I’m clear-headed, efficient, and discerning. But why? And now what? What more do You want from me?”
This time, God was silent. Because my own voice had become too loud, drowning out His. Yet through Scripture and the words of others, He began to reveal His heart: He didn’t want me just to do things. He wanted a willing heart. "Willing"? Wasn’t I already willing? Willing means doing things gladly, without expecting anything in return—right? No, no… I was wrong.
God wanted me to be willing to pull out the thorns that hurt others,
willing to hold back the venomous words from my lips,
willing to take three steps back—or ten—to see people and situations differently,
willing to humble myself, to listen, and to empathize.
That was hard! It completely challenged my way of thinking. So I said to God: “I can’t promise I’ll get it all right. But if You give me time and chances, I’ll try my best to give You the kind of ‘willingness’ You desire.
Not just in doing things—but in truly serving.”
Because of that one “I’ll try,” the once sharp edges of my personality began to smooth out.
Reversal
Serving in the chorale has been the only ministry I’ve never stepped away from all these years. Before 2019, I was just a member who showed up to sing. I stayed out of leadership and responsibilities.
I witnessed the rise and fall of the group, the power struggles, and the ugliness of human nature. To me, all of it was just part of the process—nothing surprising. But the scars left behind still needed God’s healing love to mend.
In 2019, our chorale was restructured. Since then, I’ve followed our director, Mr. Lin, one step at a time. Every performance was approached with fear and trembling—never taken lightly. Like a good student, I submitted my work on time, sang the right notes, stepped up and down the stage properly. And that was it—job done.
Gradually, I began to feel numb. No longer moved, excited, or inspired. All I could think about was whether we had enough people or if we sounded good enough. Those worries took hold of me. Deep down, I knew something was off…But I couldn’t pinpoint what. I just felt unsettled and unmoved.
Breakthrough
In March of this year, I returned to Taiwan with the chorale for a ten-day musical testimony and evangelism tour. Our first performance was at the Model Village Church in Taichung. Before going on stage, I was anxious and sweating from nerves, quietly praying, “God, what should I do?” But once we were in position, I suddenly felt light—like I could fly. Then, everything clicked.
“God, I get it now!”
“I’m singing for You. My heart is focused on You. My eyes should look at the ones You want to reach.”
As I sang, I fixed my thoughts on Jesus. And with boldness, I looked into the eyes of every person in the audience. What I experienced in that moment—I had never felt before. Each pair of eyes was shining, telling me: “We hear every word you’re singing.” It was a response that was real, passionate, and full of warmth.
After the final song, I sat down and let my tears flow freely. I didn’t hold them back. I let those tears wash away years of regret and emotional numbness in ministry, and fill me instead with awe, love, and a renewed sense of calling.
A Renewed Understanding of Ministry
God used this journey to reshape my understanding of service. Ministry isn’t just about doing—it’s about keeping our eyes on Jesus, seeing the needs of others, and being willing to respond.
Does the number of singers in the chorale really matter?
Does the quality of our singing matter?
My answer is: As long as our hearts are aligned with God, the Holy Spirit will accomplish beautiful things through every act of service. I thank God for walking with me through the valleys of life and ministry.
And I firmly believe:
Whenever I call out to Him, He will never leave me.
Whenever I offer Him my willing heart, He will be with me!
Sister Yaoyao in Christ
May 15, 2025
*This article is copyright by the Christian Chorale of Los Angeles. You are welcome to share this testimony to glorify the name of the Lord. Please include the author’s name and the original source when reposting, and kindly refrain from modifying or using the content for commercial purposes. May this story be a blessing to others.
